The other day I was in the library and I saw someone. Someone I really didn’t want to talk to. So, I slid behind the nearest bookshelf and quickly exited the building. Not the most mature or neighborly behavior. But, I really wanted to avoid this person.
Most people do the same thing when it comes to conflict.
They avoid it. Hide from it. Duck behind a bookshelf, a computer, a cell phone, a deadline – anything to avoid the conflict.
They just don’t want to go through the upheaval, drama, blood and guts. Better to side step the issue. Make nice. Or covertly get what you want anyway by working around, instead of confronting, the other person.
What’s so unpleasant about conflict?
It tends to bring out the worst aspects of our personalities and our most sniveling, conniving, or violent behaviors. We fear the consequences – to our work, our relationships, our reputation, our selves.
Of course, some people leap into the fray with sword swinging.
But, they too are driven by fear. And their aggressive strategy reduces the possibility of creatively arriving at a shared agreement.
Conflicts of opinion, needs, and goals are inevitable when you work in highly interdependent and complex organization (world). The question becomes how can you enter into the conflict in ways that will increase trust, upgrade the final decision, and improve the clarity of communication.
Here are five ways:
(As you read these think about a specific conflict your facing).
1) Expand the Frame.
Your conflict is about some specific issue, project, decision, or action. But, when you’re deep in the conflict it can seem HUGE. It’s huge because you’ve narrowed your perspective; you’ve shrunk the frame until the only thing in the picture is the conflict.
When the frame of your vision is small, the conflict looms large. It’s as if your whole career, future, being is riding on the resolution of this conflict.
But, if expand the frame, pull back, and include it as one element in the larger picture of your life – it takes on more manageable proportions.
As you look back over your life, you’ll see that many of the HUGE issues, conflicts, and emergencies that overwhelmed you in the past simply . . . evaporated. What consumed all of your attention and energy at one time, is now just a memory or even an amusing anecdote.
The conflict you’re in now is the same.
It will, in the not too distant future, be consigned to a dusty back shelf in your memory closet. If you bother to hold onto it at all.
So, take a breath. Take a mental step back and expand your frame.
2) Turn down your amplifier.
In the movie Spinal Tap, the band’s amplifiers could be turned all the way up to “11”. Beyond the traditional “10” to really loud. When, you’re in conflict, your emotional amplifier gets dialed up. Maybe not to 11. But, up there.
Even if you carefully control the volume, tone, and tempo of your voice and the muscles in your face – people feel your emotional intensity. To them, you’re at 11.
Humans are wired to receive emotional messages. And if your emotions are yelling – it doesn’t matter if your voice is whispering.
Turn your emotional amplifier down by focusing directly on your body. Notice where the tensions are and consciously relax those parts of your body. Breathe deeply, slowly, mindfully. Just two or three mindful breaths can immediately reset your parasympathetic nervous system, and dial your amplifier back to easy listening mode.
3) Shift the focus from “it” to “us”.
It’s easy in conflict to focus on the technical details – the issue, the stuff. You wantblue carpet. They want brown.
You prefer one vendor. They prefer another.
But, the deeper you dig into the details, the deeper the conflict grows.
Another place to focus is on your relationship. On the way you’re relating to each other. Drop the issue. Deal with what’s happening between you.
Consider whether the quality, tone, and direction of the conversation reflect the kind of relationship you want to build? Reflect on what would make the interaction more positive, useful, and enriching?
Raise these questions. Answer them for yourself. And explore them with the other person.
Talk about how you want to engage with each other when you’re in conflict. Don’t deny that conflicts exist or pretend that they won’t ever come back in the future. Rather, explore how you can use conflicts to strengthen trust, increase creativity, and enhance the quality of the final decision.
4) Find a toehold.
My brother took me rock climbing a few years ago. I only made it a few feet up the face of the rock. Why?
I couldn’t find the toeholds. Yet, my brother was able to ascend the face of the rock using just the tiniest toe and finger holds.
It’s the same when dealing with conflicts. You can move the conversation in a positive direction if you look for a tiny toehold. Just a tiny place of alignment or agreement.
Don’t rush the process. Don’t lunge for conclusion. Just get a toehold.
You’ll need to look for it. And even if it seems too small to matter, remember that resolving conflicts is like rock climbing. You don’t need a big wide ledge of agreement. Just a toehold will do. You can leverage that toehold agreement to move the conversation forward.
5) Raise a flag.
When the flag goes up, everyone salutes. When the anthem is played, everyone stands and sings. Flags and anthems move us and bind us together.
When you’re in conflict, you need to raise a flag. Not a white flag of defeat. But, the flag of higher purpose and mission.
You need to raise – into awareness – the purpose that binds you and the person you’re in conflict with together.
Two people who share a common purpose can still be in conflict. They can still deeply disagree about how to best serve their shared purpose. But, when the flag goes up, they let go of the conflict, to join together in saluting, and honoring something that they both love and serve.
It’s important to raise the flag that binds you together. And to recognize that beneath the conflict there is a shared mission that you both serve.
Questions for Action & Reflection:
Expand the frame.
What shifts when you consider this problem in the larger context of your life?
Turn down your amp.
How can you turn down your emotional amplifier to at least 4?
Shift from “it” to “us”.
What would you do differently if you were as focused on strengthening the relationship as you’re focused on the issue?
Find a toehold.
Where are you and the other person already in alignment and agreement?
Raise a flag.
What’s the mission you both serve? How can that help you through the conflict?
About the Author: Eric Klein (http://dharmaconsulting.com/about-us/about-eric-klein/)
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